Why Do We Hurt the Ones We Love Most?


If you hurt those you love, it worries you and you don’t understand why. There can be many reasons why people do this, but some of the most common include feelings of anger, frustration, or contempt. You may feel that you are not receiving the love and attention you need, so you give it to those closest to you. Or you may offend people because someone has treated you that way in the past.

Whatever the reason, it’s important to understand why you’re doing it to stop. Here are some of the most common reasons why we insult our loved ones.

Your way is the only right way

One of the common reasons people hurt the ones they love is because they feel like their way is the only right way. This can be due to a need for control or a fear of change. When you’re used to things being a certain way, it can be difficult to imagine anything different. But if you’re not willing to budge on your opinions or listen to others, it can lead to conflict.

It’s important to remember that just because you see things one way doesn’t mean that’s the only way they can be. Be open to hearing other points of view and consider making some compromises. It can help prevent arguments and hurt feelings in the long run. It’s important to try to be open-minded. Consider your loved one’s perspective and listen to their suggestions. They may have a different way of doing things that could be better than what you’re used to.

Control for protection

It’s normal to want to know why we hurt the ones we love most. After all, no one sets out to deliberately hurt the people they care about. So what causes us to do something that we know is going to cause pain?

One of the most common reasons is that we’re trying to gain control. This might be because we’ve experienced pain at the hands of someone who had control over us in the past. As a result, we vow never to let anyone have that kind of power over us again.

In some cases, it’s not about control but fear. We’re afraid of being vulnerable and at the mercy of others. We might think that if we’re always in control, we can avoid being hurt again.

Of course, this often backfires, because maintaining control can be destructive. Criticism, name-calling, and putting our partners down are all ways we try to keep them under our thumb. And when that doesn’t work, we resort to guilt-tripping, manipulation, and emotional blackmail.

Sometimes we do these things without even realizing it, especially if we’ve grown up in a family where this kind of behavior was considered normal. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s okay. If you find yourself hurting the ones you love, it might be time to take a step back and examine why you’re doing it. Only then can you start to make changes and build healthier happier relationships.

You are testing the boundaries

Sometimes when we care about someone, we unintentionally test their boundaries to see how much they love us. We might do things that we know will upset them, just to see if they’ll still be there when we’re done.

For example, you might fight with your partner and then refuse to talk to them for days on end, just to see if they’ll try to patch things up with you. Or, you might purposely ignore your partner’s needs to see if they’ll still be there when you come back around.

There are many reasons why we might do this. Often, it stems from a lack of self-confidence or insecurity in the relationship. We might need reassurance from our partners that they still love us, even when we screw up.

It’s also possible that we’re testing the limits of our partner’s patience and tolerance. Maybe we want to see just how much they’re willing to put up with us.

Whatever the reason, it’s important to be aware that this behavior can have a detrimental effect on our relationships. If you find yourself constantly testing your partner’s love for you, it might be time to take a step back and reassess your relationship.

The trust and safety paradox

People who hurt others sometimes do it because they have gotten comfortable enough to be their true selves. This is the trust and safety paradox; trusting people more means being your true self around them. Sometimes, your true self is not the nicest version of you.

This does not mean that you deliberately hid your true “I” from loved ones. It takes a certain level of trust to be free among people. If you do not harm strangers, it is easy for you to attack your partner or loved one.

You avoid attachments in your life

It can be difficult to understand how we can cause pain to the people we care about when our intentions are good. However, our attachment styles often play a role in how we interact with our loved ones.

If you experienced a lack of affection as a child, you may be more likely to develop an avoidant attachment style. This means that you may be dismissive of your partner’s needs for affection and label them as “needy” or “childish”. Such behavior can be toxic to a relationship.

It’s important to understand that you may be hurting your loved ones because of the way you were treated in childhood. If you learned to suppress your emotions, you may be doing the same thing in your adult relationships. This can cause a lot of pain for your partner.

If you’re not sure why you’re hurting the ones you love, it may be helpful to talk to a therapist. They can help you understand your attachment style and how it’s affecting your relationships. With their help, you can learn how to change your behavior and create healthier relationships.


When we are in a relationship, we feel safe and loved. But, when we get too close to someone, we start to feel like we are losing ourselves. We become afraid of being hurt or rejected, so we push the person away. We sabotage the relationship by causing arguments or being distant. We do this because we are afraid of being hurt. But, in the end, we only end up hurting ourselves.

You criticize everything your loved one does. Even the things you once loved get annoying. Many believe that this is normal after the end of the romantic phase of the relationship. But in reality, you are sabotaging and hurting your partner in the process.

If you find yourself behaving in any of the ways described above, it may be time to take a step back and examine your behavior. Only then can you begin to work on resolving the issues in your relationship.


It’s difficult to understand why we do things that hurt the ones we love, but it’s important to be aware of our behavior and how it affects those around us. If you find yourself constantly testing your partner’s love for you, or if you’re engaging in any destructive behaviors towards them, it might be time to take a step back and reassess your relationship. With the help of a therapist, you can begin to understand your attachment style and how it’s impacting your relationships. By learning more about yourself, you can take the necessary steps to create healthier, happier relationships with the people you love.

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